First page of insanity

"Sign"

Stars can twinkle,

As you proved

Last Saturday night.

My heart was moved

Because you succeeded

In knowing a truth

I had overlooked

All through my youth.

And perhaps a youth

Today I remain.

I am unsure.

Thunder comes without rain;

I lived without you.

I don't know if I could smile

If such things happened again;

If once more, I was filed.

A summer of midnights

And afternoon suns,

While I realized that life

Is an unhumorous pun.

Stars did not shine

For a time this year,

But they twinkle now

From excitement when you're near.

"More Than You Could Ever Know"

Brown eyes sparkle.
Starry night.
Girl in love.
Roses left and right.
Time can try
But fail every attempt
To erase a feeling
Previously exempt.

"Mr. Rogers" 10.20.02

"Ten forty-five..."

Do you have to go?

There's long hugs to be shared

Under starry October show.

"I guess you better get going..."

Time, where did you hide?

Just one more minute to laugh with you

Before you make the drive.

"Yeah, I guess I better leave..."

Though I'd gladly have you stay.

Come close in for one last embrace

Before you make your way.

"I had a great time tonight.

Thanks for taking me out."

Why can I not remember to think

Of these nice words when he's around?

"Me, too, babe."

Came his suave reply.

Then I drew in a breath

To say it. (Or try...)

"Bye," he said,

And after one last kiss,

He was gone, along with

Another chance I had missed.

His kiss lingered;

Cinnamon-triggered

Memory

Of cautious "re-."

"Grass"

Glisten,

All you winter dreams.

Reflect the memory

Of your springtime ream

Of heart and life

And everything you know.

The innards of love

That you found your foe.

Laugh so hard

At your predicted fate.

Then shred the thought

In shiny grate.

A wind blows cool

As falls brown leaf.

New memory sprouts

From unfamiliar motif.

Comfort and consolation

I found without effort

In your arms.

How could things get better?

"Something Like a Mask"

...You asked me something;

Thus, from our nothing

Sprang the spring

Of a September dream...

"Palsie-Walsie (Afterthought)"

Thunder strikes

Some distant field.

But as for me -

I'm consumed in the

Here and now

That is your embrace.

Nature's fourth of July

Is so much nicer

Than some golf course

Reunion

I spent all my life

Regretting.

This time around,

I'm with you,

And it's the twelfth of October,

But no one remembers that.

Nothing falls.

Nothing breaks

These liquid days.

You and your smile

And that look you unconsciously give -

Who could even think

To ask for more?

I guess everyone,

Because I am the lucky -

The sole, lucky, ever "answered prayer" thankful -

Girl who gets to be

With you.

"Days in October"

As May comes

So does comfort

Like I never expected,

But so desired.

Distraction

Was easy to avoid today

For some strange reason.

An oatmeal raisen cookie

And a discussion on freaks-

Who would've guessed?

"About September 17, 2002"

A perfect love -

Is there truly such a thing

As a love without error,

Without mistake,

Without forgivings?

Is there truly such a thing

As a love that lacks in opposition,

Lacks in preoccupation,

Lacks in distraction?

Perhaps I perceive the world

In such a blind ignorance

That I fail to see

The radiant sparkle

In the eyes of fighting parents, or

In the voice of a jealous friend, or

In the heart of a disbeliever.

So, yes.

Our relationship is fallible;

There is no sense

In denying an obvious fact.

And what of

Our fallible relationship?

It is impossible

To even try to alter

What has already been done.

The pain that was suffered,

The tears that were so silently shed,

The heartache inflicted

Believing second chances were no more -

These are all elements of our past.

My sun set

On April twenty-eighth

And refused to show its promised face

Until the seventeenth of September.

Though I have grown years

In a matter of months,

I find my world

Silent and still

And so blissfully adolescent

When you smile.

"Revelations"

A day goes by,

A girl falls in love.

At night,

She sees into

A hiding place

Kept dark

When the

Sun shines down.

It is real;
Her pain is real,

Her trouble is real,

Her fate is real.

She cries inside

But deceives
Her best friend

With a smile

And a pun.

She runs away

Into a place

Where her heart

Cannot feel.

She runs away,

But she can no longer

Find it.

She walked one day.

She forgot to care,

And she found the place

She had

So desperately searched for.

That place

Was bliss.

She felt a little

One Friday night

When he went out

With her.

She felt a little

Regret,

Felt a little

Nostalgia

For something that could

Never be again.

Or so

She thought.

Tuesday comes -

A girl falls

In confusion.

Adolescence still

Hurts.

A phone call

For her.

Could it be?

Indeed, it is.

A moment of

Happiness,

And following

A moment of
Heaven -

Something she

Didn't expect

God to let happen.

She smiles;

She is going to be

Robbie's girl again.

"Shows and My Guy"

Happiness
Is in your voice,
In your smile,
In your silent promise
Of a time to look forward to.

Happiness
Is in your arms,
In your embrace,
In your gentle care
To make sure you don't break me.

Happiness
Is in tonight,
In the intangible stars,
In the radiant moon
Full of snapshots from last winter.

Happiness
Is in your sense of humor,
In your references,
In your crazy ideas
For a crazy kind of love.

"At la Playa"
Sometime
Between last night and now;
Some emotion
Between bliss and nostalgic frown,
You lost me
In your handsome eyes,
And now I feel myself
Capsize
Under the pressure
Of the happiness you bring
And the beauty that
The morning birds now sing.
I never thought
Thunder was nice,
But I suppose it is
Only your device
To take something hellish
And make it art.
That's what makes me
Hate being apart
From you and your
Happy ways of being.
Please understand
When I say I'm seeing
The first I've ever
Seen of pure perfection.
With you, everything
Is without deception.

"Dana"
An answered prayer
And a forever friend like you -
One in the same.

Who would have guessed
That the timid girl
I ate lunch with in sixth grade
Would come to be
The one person I can trust
With anything?

I know that life is
A merry-go-round of
Pain and sadness;
I wish more than anything
That I had the strength
To stop it,
But I do not.

I do not know if my
"Being there"
is enough for you,
But I do not know what else
I can do.

I want you to know
That you are beautiful;
That I love and support you;
That I'll be there for you
At four AM;
That you are prayed for daily;
That you will always be my best friend
No matter what.

"---"
When things go wrong
And I'm feeling like I don't deserve to live,
You always find the words to say
To make me feel important.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.
You are the one guy I really feel myself around.
I love that about you,
And I think I may love you.

"Another Day in Heaven (For ---)"
The thought of it
Is like a promise
I cannot wait to break.
I cannot wait to see you again,
My love.
I want to scream
This emotion
From the mountains
And infect every soul
That wanders this world.
You are so much discovered,
Yet still so much
A mystery.
How do you manage
To be the ten hundred
Amazing things you are?
I adore the way I feel,
And I am absolutely infatuated
With the idea
That someone as
Wonderful as you
Could exist.

"--- Came Over"

Tonight I realized

That you still smell like heaven.
You walked in my front door,

And I nearly collapsed,

Only you wouldn't hug be when you left,

So I am left only with a

Memory.

Tonight I realized

That you still have that refreshing

Sense of humor.

We didn't argue at all,

And your mood made me think

Of a dream.

Tonight I realized

That Your eyes are still

Two glassy pools of desire,

Only you wouldn't look at me,

So I am left to assume

Your attention was on someone

Other than me.

Tonight I realized

That you are over me;

Over us.

You are happy without me,

And love life.

Tonight I realized
Just how much of a

[Jerk] I was for

Taking you for granted.

You deserve what

No one can offer.

Tonight I realized

How fortunate I am

That you still talk to me.

Tonight I forgot

To thank you for that.

"Kissing"

Apathetic heart,

Don't burn inside me so.

I am breaking down today;

Forgetting all I know.

It's all because I can't compete

With girls you see all day.

I'm foolish and in love;

I believe the fallacies you say

In your smooth and mellow tone,

But there exists another truth:

In the time it takes a girl

To leave behind her youth,

She learns a lot, she loves a lot -

She keeps her eyes on you.

"After --- Remains"

My life is empty again today.
My reflection has vanished into the vast nothing that consumes me.
My eyes bleed their dishonesty -
My words, their sarcasm.
My words are straight, not fancy like they used to be.
My body cries for sleep.
My mind begs for a chance to explore a new idea.
My heart continues its incessant pattern.
My soul longs for another being.
My lips die to scream for sanity.
My sanity no longer remains.
My dreams only remain in their dwindling hopes of becoming reality.
My pen is dry.
My life is gone.

"Free Verse Trial (Not for --- This Time)"
Don't listen to the violins.
They will only make you sadder.
The days will continue to drag by in blissful slow motion
And their ever-persevering silenceness.

Time is no longer a factor.
Time is merely an invisible element
That one can try to convince oneself
Is an immortal witch
That reigns over the land
Which one may have called childhood
Years ago.

Memories do not serve a happy purpose.
They reek of nostalgia
And things and people long since disappeared.

Letters and notes and poetry-
All ways to look back and remember
What happened four years ago
When you were so in love with him
You used to cry yourself to sleep-
In love with he who is no longer
Reserved a place in your heart,
Because he is the one who broke it first.

Tragedies are mere fantasies,
Ways to make your problems seem trivial.
It does not matter that you want out;
You must remain after everyone has gone.

Daydreaming is now my foe.
I allow my foolish mind to wander in a world
I know cannot exist,
Never expecting the handsome prince on white stallion
To really ride up to my window
And rescue me from
This
Hell
That
Is
My
Life.

"Recollection" or "Shattered" (So I couldn't make up my mind...)
Erase the scars;
Don't just conceal them.
Collect the scattered fragments
Of all your "used-to-be"s;
Throw them away.
Forget it all,
But remember me.

"Block Party (For ---)"
Something crazy happened tonight:
We didn't argue.
We laughed.
We reminisced.
We got even closer than we already were,
And we didn't argue.

And it makes me wonder -
Is there a chance in heaven or hell
We could ever be again?

"Fate... For ---"
You are handsome;
You are kind.
You are heaven to my eyes.
Your laugh is a love song -
Your smile, a poem.
Your voice is mellow and sincere.
Your touch is loving.
Your secrets, well kept.
Your nature is your own.
Your eyes are small artworks framed by your gentle face.
Your lips beckon.
You swim in a pool of desire,
Yet our hearts cannot beat as one.

"---"
He must feel like
Heaven.
I'm just confused.
He smells like a
Fantasy;
He talks like in a
Dream.
He walks like on the
Clouds that could no longer
Hold him.
His eyes sing their
Happiness.
His mood is
Beautiful.
His laugh is like a
Fond memory.
His words are
Poetry -
His script,
Calligraphy.

I am just
Confused.

"Nails and Floorboards (For ---)"
I shine
Like a star
And thrive
On your happiness,
But when you are
Gone,
I feel so
Dead inside.
I miss you
The second
You leave,
And at times,
Before then,
For I know you
Cannot stay
Forever.
Perhaps that is
What heaven
Is like;
The one I love
Can stay with me
Always.
I never thought
I could be so happy,
But you
Proved my
Suspicion false.
I never thought
I could be so lonely,
But you
Proved my
Regretful fantasies true.

"Cannot Forget"
I feel this pain;
There's no word for it.
Fallen victim to the lonely.
Standing in the rain,
Calling out for it,
Though it seems I am the only.

I can't believe I fell for it;
The oldest trick in the book.
Yet, seemingly, you never knew
One glance was all it took.

And now I'm alone,
Without a care in the world;
Only a care for you.
Though I may roam
And be referred,
I'll never forget this truth:
Though stars have shown,
They will grow cold,

Just the same as you.

"And Babies"

Candlelight
Fading in my heart.
My dreams and tomorrow
Lie on planes far apart.
I'm so confused and hurt
Like I was last spring.
Love is a very
Curious thing.
I awoke so happy,
With a confident smile;
Now I find myself questioning
Why I stored you in file.
The truth about you
Is that you cannot
Carelessly be thrown
Into drawer, behind lock.
The tears have poured
From my searching eyes,
And now I feel
The pain of my lies.
It's sad that knowing you're happy
Cannot
Bring the relief
I somehow thought.
I drown in nostalgia
Nightly in bed
As I am rebroken,
Remembering all that you said,
And I replay
This perfect memory
I have of you;
Heartbreak is bittersweet.

"---"

I am so

Empty and

Confused.

There is a
Question

I cannot
Answer

And it find its way

Into my thoughts

Every second

Of
Every day:

Am I

In love

With you,

Am I

In love

With yesterday?

Jealousy

Is a sin.

I exert

Such effort

Like I cannot

Describe

To banish you

From my

Daydreams,

But it all comes

Crashing down

At night.

Your arms

Envelop me

As you

Kiss me like you used to

And everywhere

There are

Roses and glitter.

Birds flutter

Across a

Blue canopy

Singing our song.

Then I wake up

And hate myself

All over again.

We used to be

So honest with each other.

I could never admit

My state of

Bewilderment

To you.

Perhaps you

Longed for her

When I took you

For granted.

Perhaps yesterday

Is not the

Heaven

I remember it

To be.

"Don't Drop this Heart Again"

The wings of my fallible heart

Have broken in two -

One segment is me;

The other, you.

What deceived me is not

You, so much

As it is this memory

I have of us.

You were so handsome,

So polite, so smooth;

Even when you faltered,

You so failed to lose

My love, my attention,

My devotion, my smile.

I lived for those unplanned

Starlit miles;

Or so I thought,

So I believed.

I found myself

Last night, deceived

And hurt and torn

'Tween what I thought good and true

And this harsh reality

That composes you.

Though your cologne

Smelled just like last December,

And your embrace just as warm

As I had remembered,

And your eyes just as brown

As when we were together,

And smile as contagious

Even in dismal weather,

I found myself wondering,

As I caught my first sight

Of what you act like

Routine Saturday nights,

If you had always

Been such an ass

And I simply refused to recognize it

As our five months passed.

I hate you so,

Yet at the same time, I love you.

It's harder than I thought

To get over and above you.

(Note: Yes, I did order these in descending mood order. Please forgive the negativity of a majority of these poems. I have been too preoccupied groping for words to describe the most sincere happiness I have ever felt to be able to write them down. In fact, I don't think those words exist. That was my goal as a "poet:" to not find the words. So, now that that's done... what next? I guess I'll work at K-Mart.)